The U.S. Open

The U.S. Open is one of my favorite sporting events. It could be the great play of tremendous athletes but it is more likely because it is stacked with tall athletic women who look great in short skirts.

Maria Sharapova is my pick to win because the winner gets more TV time and I like watching and listening to her play. She glides around with grace and hits the ball with a loud grunt. It seems to aggravate Mary Carillo and Pam Shriver but I like it. I am guessing anything a woman like Sharapova does aggravates Carillo and Shriver. In fact I am guessing they haven’t been happy since Billie Jean retired. I know I haven’t been happy since the two female women bashers have been in the booth. A swift forehand to the head is what I recommend next time they pick on one of the long legged sweethearts.

If tennis wasn’t meant to be played by beautiful women the uniform would have been long pants and wool sweaters.

Back from Doing Nothing

I was out of town for a week and I am sure no one noticed. No one but those guys who sent me pictures to post. I assure you as soon as I down a gallon or two of coffee I will begin the task of uploading wife pictures to ClubHusband.

Big Brother

Big Brother 12 – could they find a bigger bunch of idiots? These fools couldn’t pour water out of boot if the instructions were on the bottom.

I will be glad when they name the head idiot and my TV is free again of Big Brother.

Then of course Survivor 158 will start and I will be put in the position of working or watching a show I hate. It’s too bad I won’t be working. My laziness is strong.

I read some where that ex Cowboy coach Jimmy Johnson will be on Survivor this year. This is lucky for everyone (but viewers) because the castaways can open coconuts on his helmet headed hairdo.

Just what I want to see is an ex NFL coach who is some where between 65 and 138 walking around an island shirtless. It will really make sitting through the show just to see contestants in bikinis and fake flotation devices difficult. But if the bikinis are small enough I can endure almost anything.

No More Rental fees

When is first run TV coming back? I don’t mean good TV, just the usual crap on the networks. I am tired of summer repeats. the rental fees at Redbox are killing me. Mostly because I always forget to take back the DVD but that is another story.

Would it hurt these spoiled actors to work more than 26 weeks a year?

I know it’s a long tedious job and you have to squeak by on a minimum weekly salary of  about $6500 unless you are a regular than it is much higher but couldn’t you work say 40 weeks and take 12 off.

I think three months vacation a year is more than fair.

So get off your pampered butts and get back to work before I am buried in little tiny DVD boxes.

Maria Sharapova, Dale Jr and my Sunday

Both Maria Sharapova and Dale Jr lost today. Junior finished 19th and was never in the race. Maria with her long legs and cute everything else, had her match in hand when it was postponed by weather or darkness or some other lame excuse. After the delay she gave away her big lead and the championship of some tournament I have never heard of but is part of the U.S. Open series.

Tiger played in the PGA Championship today. It was round four and I think he birdied every odd hole and bogeyed every even hole.  The tournament ended in a tie with three guys who I have already forgot but sure messed up my DVR settings by going into extended play. Thanks guys!

The only saving grace of my sports Sunday was the Atlanta Braves who beat the Dodgers 13 to a lot less than 13.

Last night the Miami Dolphins beat the Tampa Bucs 10-7. A game I couldn’t care less about except former West Virginia Mountaineer Pat White plays for Miami. The geniuses in Miami used him to hand off once and kneel twice to finish the game. I wish someone would pay me 600,000 dollars a year to kneel.

If the rumors are correct the Dolphins won’t be paying Pat much longer. I have read that the brainless reporters of South Florida have him all packed and cut from the team.

They are either ridiculously wrong or Miami has taken a great kid with a gun for an arm and lightening in his legs and ruined him as a quarterback. If he is having as much problems as the locals say (by the way the national media disagree) someone may want to ask the question; Why change the throwing motion of a man who completed 65% of his passes in college? They didn’t draft him to be a pocket passer so why try to make him one?

Someone on the Dolphins should have to answer for this but lets hope the Dolphins are keeping him long enough to show what all of West Virginia knows – Chad Henne, Chad Pennington and Tyler Thigpen are lacking the heart, skills and leadership Pat White brings to the game.

He didn’t win four bowl games because he couldn’t play football.
I hope your Sunday was better than mine and people are treating you more fairly than Pat White is being treated but if they aren’t – who cares!

It’s their problem not ours.

Oprah and Rosie is good news for me

The recent news that Oprah will be giving Rosie O’Donnell a show is great news.

Not because I enjoy either of these two buffet busters but because keeping their immenseness on one network keeps from messing up two channels.

All they need is to sign Jabba the Hutt and they can have their own eating channel.
Food Network look out!

I am sure these two behemoths are already eying your tasty morsel of a network for a hostile takeover.

It’ll take more than a few Iron Chefs and that tasty morsel in her own right, Giada De Laurentiis, to feed these giants of TV.

This is a job for Dinner Impossible star Robert Irvine.

“Robert you will be required to cook enough food for Rosie and Oprah’s lunch using only the pantry of the U.S. Armed Forces. Do you accept your mission?”

“It can’t be done!” would be Irvine’s short reply.

I digress.

So good luck to you Rosie. You have finally figured out Oprah owns the only Craft Service ( the department on TV shows which feed the actors and crew ) big enough to stuff your gigantic jowls to a satisfactory level.

Thank you Oprah for hosing her off, brush rolling makeup onto her and getting her face off the cover of Star Magazine.

I can now again, checkout my groceries without fear of losing my lunch.

LeBron James threatens America

LeBron James twitted (it’s not tweater!) that he will remember everyone who criticized him this past summer.

I think not!

He simply isn’t that smart. He would have to remember millions and millions of names.

However we will remember, classless, money hungry ball players who think they are entitled to a championship without working for it.

The list is three long;
James
Wade
Bosh

You three have proven you have no heart, no brain and certainly no courage.

You and Jeff Van Gundy may think all you have to is follow the yellow brick road to a NBA trophy but along the way you will find tall trees that come alive in Boston. You will find a wicked, wicked, witch in Orlando. Then if you are still standing, and I doubt a quitter like you will be, you will pull back the curtain and find Kobe, ready to do whatever it takes to win a championship.

I may hate the Lakers from Mikan to Magic but quitters they are not.

So keep believing Van Gundy’s nonsense. Keep threatening America. Keep writing checks with your twits your team can’t cash.

Keep doing it all, but remember, while you twit away your nights, some where some place, Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce are practicing the game of basketball.

Can it be any hotter

This August has been hotter than a tennis match between Sharapova and Harkleroad. It’s been so hot you not only could fry eggs on the pavement but you could toast the bread too. 


Yesterday the heat got so bad I saw a squirrel wetting his nuts with my garden hose.


A guy told me a hot summer means a cold winter. No kidding Einstein? Do you know what else means a cold winter? JANUARY!!!


I hate people who predict weather cycles as if they are Nostradamus. Yes the winter will be cold. Yes the summer will be hot. Yes the spring will be rainy and the autumn will be windy. 


However this summer has been hotter than usual. I don’t mind the heat. I say this from the comfort of my air conditioned office. It looks warm through the window as I eat my freezer pops. 


I do mind the cold even from my office. If the good Lord wanted my squirrel’s nuts chilled he would of put the Garden of Eden in Wisconsin.


He also would of put seat warmers in my car.

Power Outage

How lucky you are!

I was without electricity for about an hour tonight. Not just any hour either. The hour I usually write this drivel. Can you imagine if you would of awoke this morning to find no updated husband thoughts on ClubHusband? What would you do?

Your day would of been ruined!

When your boss yelled at you for being late you would have no hilarious commentary from me to cheer you up. When your wife packed you a peanut butter sandwich, because she went to yoga instead of grocery shopping, you wouldn’t have my jocular musings to make your afternoon bearable.

Lucky for you I stayed awake just make your Thursday smile. I could of went to sleep. I could of tucked myself into my big pillow top bed and dozed off but did I? No I didn’t!

It just shows how much I sacrifice for my readers.

It also shows no matter how soft your bed is it’s impossible to sleep when it is 84 degrees in the house and no power to run the air or the fans.